Habits for our Best Intentions!

Try Again, But Try Different: Why Habits Work (and Why Shame Doesn’t)

If you’ve ever promised yourself you’d start a habit on Monday, and then Monday arrived and you immediately needed a nap and a new personality… you’re not broken. You’re human. And your brain is doing exactly what brains do: conserving energy, repeating what’s familiar, and outsourcing as much as possible to automatic patterns.

That automatic part is the whole point of habits.

Why habits matter (even when they’re annoying)

Gretchen Rubin calls habits the “invisible architecture” of daily life—the routines you repeat without thinking that quietly build your outcomes over time. Not the inspirational poster version of you. The Tuesday-at-3:17pm version of you.

James Clear makes a similar point from a different angle: tiny changes compound. You don’t need radical reinvention. You need small, repeatable improvements that stack like interest.

If you want proof, look around:

• Your bank account often reflects your spending habits.

• Your fitness reflects your health habits over months (not your one heroic workout).

• Your relationships often reflect the habits you’ve practiced—how you speak, repair, listen, withdraw, soften, or get defensive.

Habits aren’t glamorous. They’re effective. They’re the behind-the-scenes crew running the show while “Future You” keeps emailing “Present You” motivational quotes.

Dropping shame: the science behind why self-hatred isn’t a strategy

Robert Sapolsky’s work is a strong antidote to the moral panic we attach to behavior. His core idea (in plain language) is this:

Behavior doesn’t happen in a vacuum. What you do is shaped by biology, history, environment, stress, learning, sleep, hormones, social context, and the thousand invisible pressures that occur before you even “decide.”

So when you don’t follow through, it’s rarely because you are lazy or weak. It’s usually because the conditions around you—and inside you—made that behavior unlikely.

This isn’t an excuse. It’s an upgrade in accuracy.

Because shame asks: “What’s wrong with me?”But change asks: “What’s influencing me?”

When we drop the moral story, we can actually design a better system.

Why we end up with the habits we end up with

James Clear emphasizes that identity drives behavior. Habits become sticky when they’re evidence of “who I am,” not a chore you keep failing at. If your habit is disconnected from identity, it’s fragile. If it supports identity, it becomes self-reinforcing.

Gretchen Rubin adds something essential: people are different. Her Four Tendencies framework highlights how differently we respond to expectations:

• Some people thrive on inner expectations.

• Some thrive on outer expectations.

• Some resist expectations even when they want the outcome.

Translation: “accountability” works brilliantly for some and backfires for others. Some people need structure. Some need autonomy. Some need novelty. Some need simplicity.

So when a habit isn’t working, it might not mean you need more grit. It might mean you’re using the wrong strategy for your nervous system and personality.

That’s not fluff. That’s precision.

Rebuilding: systems beat goals (and the bar must be low at first)

Here’s a truth that offends the ambitious part of us:

You can’t improve a habit you haven’t established.

You have to show up to the gym before optimizing your workout split.You have to cook at home sometimes before mastering macros.You have to practice the start before the start becomes easy.

This is why Clear’s “systems over goals” framework matters. When people fail, they often interpret it as a motivation problem. It’s usually a systems problem:

• the cue isn’t clear

• the environment isn’t supportive

• the friction is too high

• the habit is too big to start consistently

• the reward is too delayed

• the stress load is too intense

A goal is a direction.A system is what makes “direction” repeatable.

The tiny-start rule:

When you’re rebuilding a habit, your “minimum viable version” needs to be so easy it feels almost silly.

Not because you’re coddling yourself—because you’re training your brain through repetition.

And this is where trial and error becomes non-negotiable.

Trial and error isn’t optional—it’s how learning works

If you want an academic reason to stop treating “failure” like a verdict, here it is:

Your brain learns by updating predictions.

When reality doesn’t match what you expected, your nervous system generates an “error” signal (in learning science often described as prediction error). That mismatch is information. It tells your brain: adjust the model.

In other words, the “oops” is where the learning happens.

This shows up across domains:

• In skill-building, improvement comes through feedback and correction—not perfection.

• In learning science, “productive failure” research suggests that struggling first (then receiving instruction) can deepen understanding and transfer.

• In the philosophy of science, Karl Popper described progress as conjectures and refutations: propose, test, discover what doesn’t work, refine. That’s how knowledge grows.

  
  

Habits are the same: You propose a system. You test it. You learn where it breaks. You refine it.

This is why “try again” matters—but “try different” is the part that makes it intelligent.

The balance: push to grow, compassion to recover

Now, you made an important point: sometimes “away-from” motivation helps. Yes.

A little discomfort can be useful—especially when it activates your agency:“I don’t want this anymore. I’m ready for change.”

But here’s the distinction that keeps it non-fluffy:

The push belongs in the plan.

Growth requires increasing load over time:

• gradually adding reps, minutes, difficulty, responsibility

• stretching capacity

• building resilience

• letting effort become normal

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Compassion belongs in the response.

Because what happens after a miss is what determines whether you come back.

If you respond to a slip with harshness, your nervous system learns:“Trying is dangerous. I get punished here.”

If you respond with compassion and curiosity, your nervous system learns:“Trying is safe. We can adjust. We keep going.”

Compassion is not softness as an identity. It’s effective recovery.

You’re still building strength. You’re just not whipping yourself as the training plan.

A practical framework: turn “failure” into data (in 60 seconds)

When you miss a habit, ask this instead of “What’s wrong with me?”

What failed?

• Cue: Did I forget? Was the trigger unclear?

• Friction: Was it too hard to start? Too many steps?

• Environment: Did my space make it easier to avoid?

• Energy: Was I depleted/sleepy/stressed?

• Clarity: Was the habit vague or too big?

• Reward: Was there any immediate satisfaction?

Then you run one redesign:

• make the cue obvious

• make the start smaller

• remove one obstacle

• change the environment

• shift the timing to when energy is higher

That’s behavioral engineering.

Conclusion: why this matters (and why 5 minutes can be enough to begin)

Habits matter because they quietly build your life. Shame doesn’t help because behavior has causes. Personality and identity shape what sticks. Systems beat willpower. Trial and error is the learning mechanism.

So when you “fail” an intention, the grown-up question is not “Why can’t I do this?”

It’s: What lever do I redesign next?

Cue? Friction? Environment? Energy? Clarity?

And that’s why “try again, but try different” is the mature move.

Because you’re not failing.You’re refining.

And if you do that with consistency—small starts, smart systems, compassionate recovery—your habits will change.

And so will your life.

BAM.